My Wishful Reality
by XxDeafening.SilencexX
Summary: Gaara regrets not acting on his feelings as Neji plans to return to Konoha, and runs to his online haven for a bout of NejiGaara RP, a place where they can be happy, just to discover some strange and wonderful things. NejiGaara
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the Naruto Yaoi Guild.

A/N: This is dedicated to the Naruto Yaoi Guild (w00t!) with its spectacular RPs. And, this is also dedicated to Wing-chan (x. Wing .x on ff.n, x.Wing.x on Gaia) for…well, being herself and motivating me. And she has great fanfics, so go check her out.

Prologue

Gaara had been greatly surprised the first time he had gone on the internet. The Kazekage had been just surfing around, look at random things, when he had found…himself. And Temari, and Kankuro, and the rest of the people he lived with. …What _was_ this? Gaara had found out that he had stumbled up a fansite for "Naruto", a manga written by Masashi Kishimoto which had been turned into an anime and translated so lots of people from all over the world knew about it. But Kishimoto-san had been the one who had somehow stumbled into this world a few years ago, and had returned after staying for a few months and setting up TV and Internet. He had promised to keep their world safe, so…

And then Gaara saw, and marveled upon Kishimoto-san's genius. What better way to protect their world from prying eyes and hands than to make it a FICTIONAL place? Even if anybody else came here, they would not believe that this was real. Yes, it was a brilliant idea!

…And now he had gotten an even better one. If everybody thought he was "fictional", then he could "pretend" to be himself on the internet and nobody would notice! That was a great thought. Right now Gaara was on GaiaOnline and was looking through the guilds associated with Naruto. There were a LOT. Discussion guilds, Roleplaying Guilds, fan guilds to everybody from himself to Orochimaru and Rock Lee. (Wth was his expression when he found the last one) And then he saw something called "The Naruto Yaoi Guild". Hmm, just what was yaoi?

Gaara clicked on it, curious, and then blanched. This was…this was SasuNaru, and KakashiIruka, and…HIS DREAM COME TRUE!! These people were ok with BoyXBoy! It was…

Gaara, his eyes starstruck, quickly read the requirements for a request to join and started typing it up.

1. Why do you want to join?

Answer: I am an avid fan of Naruto, and I am 100 percent behind yaoi pairings. I was looking for a place where my views would be accepted, and I believe I have found it.

2. What is Naruto and Yaoi?

Answer: Naruto is a manga and anime featuring a hyperactive loud mouthed ninja named Naruto whose only dream is to become Hokage (and, Gaara's mind added, to fuck Sasuke senseless). It is written by Kishimoto Masashi-san, and is seen/read all over the world in multiple languages. It originated in Japan.

Yaoi is BoyXBoy, can encompass shonen-ai but usually does not, and can either stand for "No plot, no point, no climax", or, my personal favorite, "Stop, my butt hurts!"

3. What is your favorite pairing?

Gaara thought about this for a while, wondering whether to be truthful. After all, nobody knew who he was, right? So…

Answer: NejiGaara, or GaaraNeji. I think the two of them would make a beautiful couple and be perfect for each other.

But Gaara would never know, would he? Because Neji would never ever think about him in that way, would never realize the love that Gaara felt whenever he was near.

Well, at least he was able to see the Hyuuga everyday. Ever since Naruto had become Hokage, he had sent Neji to Sand, to be an "ambassador" as he put it. Gaara grunted softly in disbelief. Yeah right. Naruto had probably seen him look longingly at Neji and had put it together with the fact that Gaara had never had a girlfriend, period. And it wasn't because of Shukaku in the least. Despite how Naruto was portrayed in "Naruto", he was no dumbass.

…Most of the time.

4. And finally, THE PASS PHRASE:

Yaoi equals love. (1) (Of course)

He got accepted later in the day, and started posting, under the screenname of XxDeafening.SilencexX.

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(1) Ok, so doesn't let me put up the real pass phrase because of the symbols, but that's pretty much what it means.

The first chapter will be up soon, after I go practice piano and do some other stuff.


	2. The End or the Beginning?

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Neji and Gaara and all other characters of Naruto were not born of my mind.

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-Chapter 1, Day 1-

Gaara's Gaia screenname turned from offline to online as he signed on, staring unblinkingly at the computer screen. He needed some serious NejiGaara RP, somewhere where he and Neji would be together and happy. It was pathetic, he knew, to pretend like this, but…

_"Kazekage-sama," Neji bowed as he addressed the redhead, always respectful, to the point that Gaara still couldn't get him to address him as Gaara, or even Gaara-sama, even though Neji had been an ambassador for almost five years. _

_"Yes Neji?" Although that didn't stop Gaara from addressing his beloved by his first name. But now was not the time to be thinking of trivial matters. Neji had requested a formal meeting between the two of them, instead of just talking to Gaara in private. It had to have been something important. "Is something wrong?"_

_Neji seemed to hesitate a fraction of a second before speaking. "Not really wrong, Kazekage-sama, but I would like to broach the matter of my ambassadorship." Another hesitation. "As you know, when Naruto-" How could he say his own Hokage's name so informally and yet would not deign to say Gaara's? "-gave me this long tern assignment, he told me I would just have to stay for five years and then someone else would take over the position." _

_Gaara started to fret right about now. Neji was talking of leaving! Gaara himself couldn't remember the exact day Neji had arrived, having been visiting another village at the time, but he knew it was coming up soon. He didn't say anything. _

_"My five years are up in 12 days, Kazekage-sama." So soon? But perhaps Neji would tell him that he wanted to stay on in Sand and not go back… "I would like to make arrangements for my departure." _

_No, Neji was leaving, even though in the past five years Gaara had made him unofficially his most trusted advisor and confidant. He had told Neji everything, or everything except for his love…_

_"I am sorry to bother you with my leave just as you have so much work to do, but I miss my family, and Hinata-sama also needs me, if she is going to take over the main family after my uncle's retirement, which is coming up next month." _

_Gaara, his eyes shadowed by his hair, softly whispered, "But I need you more…" He didn't look up, afraid of facing Neji's cold eyes. Those white orbs blocked him out, had always blocked him out throughout the years… Gaara had never seen any real emotion in them, ever. _

_"Kazekage-sama, I…I've enjoyed this position over the years and the free time that comes with it, but I find myself yearning for the dangers of A-class mission again. I have been trained as a ninja, and that is the only life for me-" _

_"Then I'll give you missions!" Gaara interrupted, finally looking up. Neji seemed surprised by his evident desperation, and Gaara took a deep breath before continuing. "If you wish for the danger, I'd be more than happy to give you a mission once in while if you stay." _

_This offer by Gaara seemed to surprise Neji even more, as it should've. Throughout the last five years, Gaara had stolidly avoided the topic of mission, wanting to keep Neji out of any danger, even though he knew Neji was more than capable of taking care of himself. But…he had been happy, knowing that he had been protecting Neji, maybe like a guardian angel or something. _

_"And you could also take vacations and go back and visit your family, whenever you would like. Just…just stay,"_ with me_, "because"_ I love you_, "you help me so much and"_ I need you_, "your replacement won't be anything like you…"_

_Neji shook his head slowly. "Kazekage-sama, you and I both know that his ambassador job is not needed. The relationship between our respective villages is fine, and will continue to be fine after I've gone. All I've done these past five years is to be a good friend and listen to your thoughts and troubles, and perhaps comment once in a while. You don't need me, and I don't know what Naruto was thinking when he sent me, but now I am going back." _

_Gaara stilled his emotions in the face of Neji's logic. He was being unreasonable, thinking the Hyuuga would want to stay in Sand. "Fine." he mumbled. "Did you need anything for your journey? Or was your appointment just to inform me of your intentions?" _

_"No, I don't need anything, but thank you for offering Kazekage-sama." And Neji turned to go. _

_"Wait, Neji. If…if we were just friends the past five years, why…why have you never called me Gaara?" As Neji turned, Gaara tried to stutter out a reason for his personal question. "I-I mean, you've spent more time with me than with Naruto, and you call him by his first name, even though he's your Hokage, and…" _

_He looked away, and so Neji couldn't see his disappoint when the Hyuuga asked, "Why would I want to call you Gaara, Kazekage-sama?" _

_"Because…because it would make me happy." Gaara whispered, his throat suddenly dry as he stared down at his unfinished paperwork. _

_He heard Neji resume his steps out. "Have a good day, Kazekage-sama." _

_Neji closed the door after him, and Gaara let his head fall onto his hands. Temari had opened the door and had found him like that a few minutes later, dry-eyed and yet he wore such a vulnerable haunted look…_

His sister had told him to take the rest of the day off and he had obeyed, running to his online haven. He clicked on The Naruto Yaoi Guild, and went into the Roleplay section. Gaara's emerald eyes scanned down the list of topics and lit up after just a moment. On the almost top of the page was someone with the screenname LightWithDarkness asking for a one-on-one NejiGaara RP. Yes, just what he needed right now. And the person was asking for literacy too, always a great thing.

Gaara replied immediately to the thread, asking whether he (and this was a generic he, since Gaara didn't know whether this person was male or female. The avatar was male, but that didn't really mean anything) wanted to PM or email, and LightWithDarkness replied that he preferred to write on the actual forum thread. Gaara, who didn't care either way, said sure and asked what the background to the plot was going to be. He was stunned by the answer.

LightWithDarkness said:

_Background: Neji has just been told by Naruto, his Hokage, that he is going to be an ambassador to Sand for the next five years. He arrived a few days ago, while Gaara was still at another village and by now has settled in. The Kazekage has come back today. _

_Ok, I'll start. And just to warn you, I write really long posts. _

_Neji lazed on a chair near the window, looking out at the desert village surrounding him. He still had to get used to the heat, he was sweating heavily despite tying his hair up and wearing his lightest clothes, and he still was uncomfortable with all this dratted sand around him – it got onto and into everywhere! His clothes, his sheets, even his hair and skin! It was damn itchy! But, it _had_ been his Hokage's order and this "job" would include a lot of free time…Neji refused to admit that he had another motive for wanting to come. _

_He was looking towards the bathroom, thinking about getting another cold shower to wash off the sweat (hot showers were not something Neji was going to take in Sand) when his door opened and he turned and there Gaa-the Kazekage was, his red hair framing his face as he walked into Neji's room slowly, his face a little flushed from the heat. The Hyuuga realized a little too late that he was supposed to get up and bow, and when he made to stand the redhead motioned for him to sit again._

Gaara openmouthed expression slowly dwindled back into his normal one, as reality came crashing back down onto him and he knew that there was no way this LightWithDarkness could be Neji. That was just…crazy. It was just a person who had luckily and correctly guessed the situation he and Neji had been in 5 years ago. He supposed this type of situation would be commonly used in NejiGaara fanfics and RPs. Hmph. It just…unsettled him.

Well, the person had duplicated the background, but not the actions. Gaara, although forgetting the actual day Neji came to Sand, distinctly remembered everything about the day he had first seen the Hyuuga in Sand, and he hadn't visited him. Neji had come to see him.

_Gaara looked up at the sound of the door opening, to see a red-cheeked (who wouldn't be with Sand's hellish heat?) Hyuuga Neji coming in, his hair (that smelled of cool mint, a rare scent within the desert) mussed up and a trickle of sweat running down his face, looking absolutely adorable. …just why was he here? Gaara blinked, wading through last afternoon's memories…hadn't Temari said something about a meeting this morning? With…Konoha's new ambassador to Sand. _

…

… !

_Oh no, what was Naruto THINKING? Sending Neji…would be something only he would do. The damned bastard. _

_Five years! Five years of Gaara's life in which Neji would be in Sand! Wait…5 years…Neji…everyday…_

_Perhaps this predicament would not be so bad after all. _

_Gaara gave Neji a small smile and told him to sit down. _

Yeah, that had been their first meeting. Gaara shook his head at his craziness – how could he have even thought of such a thing? Of course this was not Neji!

With that conviction in mind, he started typing out his reply.


	3. Day I

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Gaara...or Neji...but I want Gaara's bed! (this shall be explained if you read on)

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-Chapter 2, Day 1-

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_Gaara had gotten back from Wind Country today, tired and sleepy (and yes, he can actually sleep with no fear of being taken over by Shukaku), and had planned of falling straight to bed when Temari told him that the ambassador from Konoha had come. And then he sprang up, energetic once more. Neji was here? He ran out of his office with a happy sparkle in his eye, probably scaring Temari stiff. _

_He ran towards where all the ambassadors lived, opening the door to Neji's room without knocking. Neji turned his head, and seeming to realize that Gaara was the Kazekage, made to stand up from his chair. Gaara waved him back down again, sitting down himself on another chair after pulling it closer to Neji's. _

_"How are you, Neji?" Gaara asked, and then, thinking it might be too personal, added, "-and how is Konoha? Is Naruto being a good Hokage?"_

_((Don't worry about it, I write long posts too.))_

While Gaara waited for the reply, he fell into his despondent thoughts again, fidgeting with his hair. It was down to his shoulders, fiery red and still had that sandy quality, gritty perhaps? Nothing like Neji's hair. The redhead didn't know how the brunette had managed to keep his hair that clean and that soft, with all the sand that inevitably got into it every day. And usually, he cut his hair once a year to keep it short and to make it less of a problem. But…

_"I like your hair, you know that Neji?" _

_The Hyuuga looked up from his seat next to the Kazekage – this was right after one of the monthly meetings Gaara had with his Sand nins, and Neji usually stayed behind so Gaara could bounce ideas and observations off of him. The redhead trusted his judgment implicitly. _

_"You do?" _

_"Hmm, yeah." And Gaara did something he had always wanted to do; he reached up slowly and wrapped a little of Neji's hair around his finger, playing with it. "It's so soft…" he marveled, and then sighed. "And it's nothing like my hair. I hate my hair. The color, the texture…" It had always made him stand out, his crimson hair. _

_"Really? But I like your hair." Neji hadn't slapped his hands away, probably out of respect, his personal belief was probably something like Whatever the Kazekage Wants to Do He Can Do Without My Objections. It had always been like that…he had never known how the Hyuuga had felt about his little touches over the years – he had never objected nor had he given any indication that he liked them. It was maddening. But now Neji went on. "You should let it grow, it'd look even better then." _

_Neji liked his hair? Gaara let a smile appear and his hands retreated. _

That had been more than a year ago, and Gaara had let his hair grown since then. But there was no reason now, right? Neji wouldn't care about it if he was going to go away in a few days…Gaara sighed. He refreshed the guild page, to see LightWithDarkness's reply.

LightWithDarkness said:

_The first thing that Neji noticed was that Gaara seemed too eager. He had practically burst into his room, when he probably knew the official meeting between them was tomorrow. Secondly, the redhead was asking too many questions. Neji blinked. Since when did Gaara talk so much? He was much quieter before, in the ambassador meetings in Konoha. But, perhaps it was because that was in public, where the Kazekage reputation could be affected. Maybe now, in a private room with Neji..._

_No, he couldn't think about it. It probably wasn't true anyway. He sighed inwardly._

_"I'm fine, Kazekage-sama," Neji replied. "Konoha hasn't changed a lot, and Naruto has been ditching most of the Hokage duties with the help of his Kage-Bunshin, that's been driving Konohamaru nuts." He paused before continuing. "Thank you for asking... However, I have a favor to ask of you..."_

_He was quiet, contemplating on how to begin next._

That would've been nice, Gaara couldn't help from thinking. It would've been nice if Neji had liked him since they had met, just like Gaara had liked Neji. But…well, no use in dwelling on it.

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_"What is it Neji?" Gaara asked, curious. He wished Neji would've elaborated more on himself but he smirked when he had heard about Naruto. It was just like the blonde, sneaking off whenever he could, probably to see the Uchiha. _

_Yeah, Gaara knew about their relationship, even though many people didn't. Neji probably knew about it too, (strange how the Hyuuga managed to worm himself into every branch of Gaara's thoughts) and Gaara couldn't blame the blonde for sneaking off, because he knew the Hokage had just as much paperwork as he himself did…_

_Then the Kazekage's thoughts went off at another tangent. Neji hadn't objected to his very informal and personal way of addressing him! Of course, the Hyuuga hadn't called him Gaara or anything, but that would come, right? Right now Gaara was just celebrating his little victory. _

Gaara previewed his post, submitted, and then stood up, knowing he'd have a little time before he got a reply.

He walked to his bathroom, but first detoured to his kitchen and grabbed a pair of scissors after searching through some drawers. He flicked the light on, fingered his hair while looking at himself in the mirror, then:

-Snip Snip Snip- Locks of crimson red hair floated down, settling in the sink. _No reason to keep it long now,_ Gaara reminded himself. _And it was becoming a bother anyways. I was going to cut it sooner or later._

He thought this while knowing it was all a lie. For Neji, he would've let his hair grown until it was flowing down his back like Neji's own (death to all people mistaking him for a girl).

-Snip Snip Snip- Gaara wouldn't admit it but he was trying to break all ties to the Hyuuga, all of the little ways he had changed because of something Neji had said or done. Or maybe he was trying to get Neji to stay, by showing him all of the little things his influence had done to him, and the things that would change back. The redhead didn't know. But here he was, cutting his hair and now taking his eyeliner and applying it thickly around his eyes. He had stopped this about 2 years ago, after Neji claimed that he hated the way the black blocked most of the green in Gaara's eyes.

Of course, Gaara hadn't stopped applying eyeliner for good. It was just that well, he used it less. But that was going to change back too.

He looked at himself in the mirror, and thought he looked stupidly childish and immature, nothing like a Kazekage should look like. Gaara shook his head sadly and washed off the eyeliner, but he couldn't do anything about his crude haircut. Well…maybe he'd ask Temari to trim it out later. He stared at himself in the mirror, looked at his sad self with his fiery hair and his dark green eyes and he found the urge to shatter the mirror, because he just didn't want to look at himself anymore! It was pitiful!

And then he found his right fist through the reflective glass, his image distorted, the skin on his hand torn and bloodied. Drops of crimson dripped down the broken mirror, into the sink, -drip drip drip-, and mixed with the cut locks of hair. Gaara just glared as he removed his hand from the spider web of cracks running through the mirror; he'd need to clean that up later. The redhead stared at his hand – blood was still dripping out and he could see some glass splinters in there. He flexed it experimentally and pain shot up his arm, but by reflex he didn't flinch.

Instead, he got some bandages and a pair of tweezers and sat down in front of the computer again, using his left hand to manipulate the mouse and refresh the page. Yes, LightWithDarkness had replied…

LightWithDarkness said:

_"I…well, you know that onigiri store in Sand, the one I really liked that one time I stayed here?" Seeing recognition in Gaara's eye, Neji went on. "Well, I can't buy anything there because I only have money from Konoha, not from Sand, and Temari told me that only you can exchange it for the currency here, and I was wondering…" _

_A spark of childish happiness crept into Neji's usually bland eyes. "…if you could help me change my money into Sand's money so I can buy some onigiri because it's REALLY REALLY GOOD. Please?" _

Oh, so cute. And Neji _did_ like onigiri, though there wasn't a store in Sand that he particularly liked to Gaara's knowledge…but he would go check out the supposed one on main street… no. Gaara shook his head, hoping to get unwanted thoughts out. This wasn't the real Neji, he reminded himself, this was a fangirl (or fanboy) acting as Neji, and they wouldn't know what he was like…

Ah, it'd be so easy to gain Neji's affection if he knew what the Hyuuga liked. Looking back on the past 5 years, Gaara saw that he didn't know anything personal about Neji. He didn't know the Hyuuga's favorite color, favorite food, just about nothing at all! Well, except his birthday…

_July 3rd, 4 years ago- _

_"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Neji, happy birthday to you." Gaara sang softly as he came in with a small cake, 19 lit candles stuck in at rather haphazard angles. He had just discovered that Neji's birthday was today 4 hours ago, and he had thrown a little something together before the day was over. It was 10 pm even now. _

_The redhead set the cake down carefully on the table, sitting next to Neji and admiring the play of candlelight on the other's eyes. "Aren't you gonna make a wish, Neji?" _

_"Hmm, in a second." Gaara watched the milky-eyed boy? teen? young man? think a little more, before blowing all of the candles out, simultaneously making his wish in his mind. _

_"So, what did you wish for, Neji?" What could a person with everything possibly wish for? _

_But there seemed to be a sad expression on Neji's face, masked very effectively but still there, still observable by someone who knew him well, and Gaara had studied his expressions intensely for almost a year now. Still, what didn't he have? _

_And then Gaara thought of something. Did Neji miss his family? Because they seemed to be the only thing missing from his life… "Neji, did you want to go back to Konoha to visit your family for your birthday? Because all you had to do was ask…" _

_"Oh no, Kazekage-sama. I would never attempt such a trip for something as trivial as my birthday." _

_"Your birthday's not trivial…it's a special day. You should've at least taken the day off, you know. I take the day off for my birthday and I'm sorry I had you sit through three meetings today. If I had only known…" Gaara wrung his hands in sadness. "I would've at least gotten you a better present. But I suppose there's always next year…" _

_"Kazekage-sama, that's all right! You don't have to make all this trouble just for my birthday!" Neji gestured around to the cake and the pile of onigiri that Gaara had bought for his birthday. "This is more than enough! _You've_ done much more than you should have!" _

_Gaara blushed slightly at the compliments, looking down to cut the cake and glad for the dim lighting (only a small lamp beside them) to hide his obvious embarrassment. Well, perhaps with the Byakugan it didn't matter, but he still was grateful. Really, he had just wanted to have Neji in his Kazekage rooms alone with him, for a legitimate reason, of course, and now he had found one. It was nice, he thought, with only the Hyuuga for company. The redhead was calm; that was just how Neji affected him! It was nice…_

_"No, Neji, I've just done what I could have done on such short notice. After all, you're my friend and I want you to have a good birthday…" _

_Neji smiled as he ate a slice of his cake (vanilla flavored icing with chocolate ice cream it was) and Gaara smiled back, wanting to watch Neji eat rather than to eat himself. Neji had such well-bred manners, with his traditional Hyuuga family upbringing. It was entrancing to see that fork go up to his mouth again and again, to see those small crumbs scatter over those pink lips…_

_Gaara gulped. "I'll go get you a napkin," he muttered before springing up and dashing away to the kitchen. _

Gaara wrapped the bandage around his hand again, having gotten out all of the splinters and putting them in the trash. He flexed his fingers; there was some pain but not too much. He could still type.

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_Gaara couldn't believe how cute Neji could be when he wanted to. The expression on his face was priceless…in fact, Gaara would buy the whole onigiri store just for that expression. But Temari probably wouldn't approve of him spending that much money…oh well, he had to just restrain himself to…_

_"Neji, you like that store? Well, why don't we just go there now and I'll buy some for you? And at the same time I'll make sure the owners let you buy with either Sand or Konoha currency, so when you run out you don't have to ask me again…" _

Gaara waited a little and in a very short time, LightWithDarkness replied.

LightWithDarkness said:

_"No, it's ok Kazekage-sama! You don't have to go through all of that for me! After all, you just got back from your trip and must be tired, right? It's fine, I'll go out to the store by myself…" _

_Although Neji couldn't be more thrilled by the fact that Gaara was lavishing attention on him right now, he really didn't think he should be making the Kazekage even more tired than he was. After Gaara had placed a seal on Shukaku and was able to sleep again, he had heard from Naruto, the redhead had become much more protective of his sleep time, so much that he would snap at anyone who woke him up before 10 on weekends. _

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_"Hmm, don't worry about me Neji. And, another thing. Call me…call me Gaara, ok? I know we're going to be more than just employer and employee, so you can do away with the Kazekage-sama. And don't worry about offending me with the informality of it – Temari and Kankuro call me that all the time."_

_Yes, that was a definite first step towards a better friendship, if not a…relationship perhaps? Now, if only Neji would agree…_

LightWithDarkness said:

_"I guess, if you really want me to, Kaz- Gaara…" Neji tried it out slowly, and it seemed to roll off his tongue like butter, like he said it everyday and would continue to say it everyday. It seemed…familiar. "And, I guess, if you really want to, you can accompany me to the onigiri store. Are you sure you would rather not sleep?" _

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_"Oh, I'd much prefer to help you settle in here. Have you toured the whole city? I'll be glad to show you around…" Gaara stood up and Neji did too, and the Kazekage waited for him by his door, trying to stop a wide grin from stretching across his face. He was ecstatic, that Neji was here, that Neji was now calling him by his first name…it seemed that some of his dreams had started to become realities. Now the question was, would the rest?" _

Gaara submitted and waited for a reply, cleaning up his mess in the bathroom in the meantime. Once there was no more blood or hair splattered across his bathroom counter and sink and all the mirror pieces were gone, he washed his hands, avoiding looking at his reflection and went back to the computer and refreshing the page, just to find…LightWithDarkness was offline now and hadn't replied.

Gaara frowned; he had been actually into this RP a lot! But oh well, no matter how disappointed he was, there was still tomorrow, and LightWithDarkness would be back.

He reread all of the posts so far, caught up in _What if this was really Neji?_ Yeah, seriously delusional he knew, but a fantasy was better than the truth in this situation. Gaara closed the window and got up, walking into his bedroom with the RP imprinted in his mind. It was astounding how different he felt now that he had something good to look forward to, how much happier he was. Gaara flicked on the light and started shedding his clothes, walking toward his bed.

Gaara's bed was an absolute confection of soft feather-down mattresses and pillows and sheets and bedcovers, something he had spent actual money on in his rooms and one of the only things actually that he wanted to be perfect. And it was.

All of it was white except the wooden legs peeking down at the bottom, which were black or almost so, made from dark cherry. Gaara jumped into the snow white pillows and comforters, taking off the rest of his clothes except his boxers and letting them slip to the floor. He didn't care if they got wrinkled. The Kazekage nestled into the covers, his red hair and sand colored skin contrasting drastically with the blankness, but it fit him.

And this bed was a heck of a hassle to deal with every morning, when he had to make it up just perfectly, but it was worth it. The comfort and the warmth and the sweet dreams it provided was worth any amount of money in the world.

Gaara fell asleep within a minute, dreaming of snow white eyes…

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W00t! I got reviews! This is my first NejiGaara fic, but I'm in love with that pairing...-sigh-. And this chapter is longer, no?


	4. Day II

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto.

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-Chapter 3, Day 2-

The next morning Gaara lay in bed, wondering if he could just ditch being a Kazekage for a day (like Naruto with his Bunshins, but unfortunately Gaara couldn't copy the Hokage. Temari knew exactly when he was using one of his Kage Bunshins…) and RP with LightWithDarkness. Even while humorously entertaining the possibility, the redhead knew he owed too much to the village to skip out on even one day. So he got up, brushed his teeth, took a shower, made his bed, and put on his Kazekage robes, getting ready to face the world.

He strode into his office at half past nine, his usual time, to review any new missions that had come in and to preview his paperwork, sorting them from most important to least important, while eating his breakfast, which consisted of a cup of coffee and a bagel, sometimes more.

After eating, he set his empty plate to the side, still sipping his coffee as he started on his paperwork. It was tedious and long, but someone had to do it. And besides, Kankuro was working on a way for all of this to be stored on a computer, and then it would take much less time. At half past eleven, Gaara called in Neji, as he usually did on normal days. This day wasn't normal, per say, but still…Gaara would follow the routine.

Neji shuffled in, yawning persistently – maybe he had slept late last night? Because normally Neji was even more awake than Gaara in the mornings, and a lot less grumpy.

"Good morning Kazekage-sama." He said sleepily.

"Good morning Neji. Did you sleep well?" Gaara's worried tone didn't escape Neji's senses, no matter how insomniac he had turned during the night. Now he knew what Gaara felt…

"Oh, it was fine…-yawn-…but I think I'll need a lot of coffee to get through the day."

"Would you like to go back to sleep? It's ok if you do…" Gaara was worried in spite of himself. More than 5 years of affection was a hard thing to throw off.

"No, I'm f…" Neji stopped talking as he opened his eyes and saw Gaara clearly, a slight frown marring his perfect features. "You…you cut your hair…"

Gaara fingered his now-short-again crimson hair and asked, feigning nonchalance, "Yeah, it was becoming too long and I thought it'd be easier to cut it…why, did you like it long?"

That was a trick question; Gaara knew Neji's preferences but he wanted…something. He'd achieve something by asking this.

"Yeah…" Neji answered faintly. "It…it made me happy when it was long."

_Ah, there it was._ Gaara smirked faintly, but was surprised at how unsatisfied he was at Neji's statement that almost perfectly mirrored his own from yesterday. If Neji didn't care about his happiness, that meant he didn't have to care about Neji's, right? Right… but then why was he staring down at his hands like he was embarrassed or something? No, he wasn't embarrassed. He just didn't want to look at Neji's eyes, which were asking him wordlessly why he had done such a thing. It was hurting him…

Gaara stared down at his hands, folding them in front of him, on top of the paperwork he had to go through. His right hand was still bandaged from his little "accident" the day before. Shukaku hadn't healed it yet, but Gaara wasn't so surprised. The one-tailed raccoon demon was still put out (well, more like murderously furious) by his cage, but his escape attempts were becoming rarer since Gaara had created the seal well.

Suddenly he saw a slender hand reach over his desk, encompassing his hurt right hand. "How did you hurt your hand?" Neji questioned softly. The brunette had taken Gaara's hand carefully with his own and was now examining the bandages around his knuckles and fingers, stroking here and there and making Gaara shiver in delight with the warmth of his touch.

"It was just a little accident, I'm fine…" But Gaara just could not pull out of Neji's hands, not even to prove that he was fine. He distantly wondered what the reason was for his sudden dizziness…surely yesterday's blood loss couldn't have affected him that much?

Hmm, you might feel fine, but Shukaku hasn't healed it yet and there might be infection…let me see." Neji started unwrapping the white bandages, and soon Gaara's injured hand was out for the world to see. The redhead flinched at the sight and he could hear Neji's startled gasp.

Gaara's right hand was riddled with cuts, a scarlet net of blood crisscrossing his hand. There was no infection evident, but Gaara's skin was just about tattered and now the pain came, stinging like a thousand needles piercing his veins. Gaara gritted his teeth and refused to show any weakness before Neji, not allowing Shukaku that victory.

"Kazekage-sama!" The Hyuuga demanded harshly, "Tell me just how you got this injury!" His white eyes were wide open and flashing, and Gaara admired that Neji was the only one who was able to keep this calm while being this furious.

"I punched my mirror." Gaara replied matter-of-factly.

"Don't lie to me! This is no simple injury, and it _can't_ come from punching a mirror of all things! In fact, this looks self-inflicted, Kazekage-sama. What did you do to your hand!"

Gaara flinched at the tirade. Why was Neji this angry? The last time he had seen the Hyuuga this furious was…

_Gaara tried to relax in the hospital bed, fingering the crisp white sheets and looking at the whole whiteness of the room. It was unnatural, that's what it was. The redhead then stared at the IV on his arm and debated ripping it off – Shukaku would have to repair that, seeing as how now if Gaara died the demon died with him. _

_He wanted to go, get out, this room was suffocating him and the headache that was wracking his brain at the moment wasn't helping. He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples slowly, and didn't open them even when he heard the door open. It was probably the nurse, since he had given strict orders for his siblings not to be admitted. He couldn't bear to face them now, when he had just…_

_But it wasn't the nurse. Strong hands had gripped his own, pulling them away from his face and he had opened his eyes to face smoldering white eyes, Neji's eyes. _

_Once the Hyuuga had seen that he had Gaara's attention, he exploded with wrath. _

_"How could you do such a thing, Kazekage-sama! How could you even think about ending your life! Do you know how many people depend on you? Your villagers, your nin! Did you give a _single_ thought to them as you were blithely slashing your wrists?!" The Hyuuga turned around sharply and grabbed Gaara's hand, forcing it to turn over to reveal bandages covering a jagged cut across the inside of his wrist, where blood had leaked out of so quickly a few hours ago. An identical cut was upon Gaara's other wrist, covered by another bandage. _

_"Do you even begin to conceive the number of lives you would ruin with your death? You were just being selfish, admit it Kazekage-sama." Neji's voice had softened back into its normal volume, but his eyes were still bright with…something. Gaara didn't know what it was. _

_"I suppose I was being selfish," Gaara admitted quietly, not changing his usual blank tone. "…but can you really blame me? Do you know what it's like, holding so many destinies in the palm of your hand and knowing your smallest mistake could change their life forever? And to have a demon inside your head, whispering thoughts you don't want to hear and realizations you don't want to face? It's hard, Hyuuga, and I don't expect you to ever know it. So don't blame me for what I did." _

_Neji's brows furrowed considerably, his frown deepening. "Even if I don't know what it feels like, Naruto does, and do you think he ever considers giving up his Hokage position? No. Does he ever want to give up his life? No. Then why should you, Kazekage-sama?" _

_Gaara stared out the hospital window, at the hot sun and the roofs of the village he had been ruling over for the past 6 years. "Naruto is lucky enough to have something to live for. What do I have to live for, Hyuuga? I didn't want to be Kazekage, did you know that? I did not wish for the responsibility but I got it because the villagers wanted to be safe and they thought I would keep them safe and I didn't want to refuse them. And so I took the job. And I have been unselfish for the past **6 years**, do you understand? Everything I have done is for the good of someone else, my villagers, my nin, my siblings! Sand has prospered but do you think anybody cares for **me**? For little demon-holder Gaara, the redhead who always sticks out…" _

_Gaara laughed bitterly, laughed when all he wanted to do was to cry. But he couldn't cry, because too many people depended on him and he couldn't show weakness, no matter what. "No vacations, no break from the paperwork, the worry, the lack of sleep that was just as bad as my insomnia ever was! And Naruto survives it because in spite of the work he gets to return home everyday to the Uchiha, who always waits up for him and gives him a smile. Who do I have? I have nobody, nobody stays up for me or remembers my birthday or…" _

_Gaara's emerald eyes filled with tears, but he stared down at his lap and let his bangs cover his face, and Neji couldn't have seen. The coolness trembled on the edge of his eyes but didn't overflow, and Gaara blinked rapidly to clear his vision. _

_"I suppose you think it's pathetic." Gaara said dully, still looking down. "That I'm complaining from all of these minor problems when you've probably got so many more…" The redhead sniffed and twiddled his fingers. "I'm sorry I tried to commit suicide. It was…unthinking of me. I…" Gaara paused, wondering if he could ever explain. "I just wanted it all to end. That's all. There was nothing worth living for, and I wasn't happy, and…I just wanted it all to go away." _

_Gaara looked up, startled, when a pair of strong arms embraced him and he saw Temari's blue eyes overflowing with tears. When had she come in? And Kankuro was leaning against the doorway, worry evident in his eyes despite his tries to hide it. _

_"I'm so sorry Gaara," Temari whispered to him, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you like an older sister should've. I'm sorry I didn't see…" _

_But it wasn't her fault…like Neji said, it was his own. His own stupid selfish mistake. _

Ah, so Neji thought he was trying to kill himself again…

"Neji, despite what you're thinking right now I was not trying to kill myself. I _did_ punch my mirror and this-" He motioned toward his hand, "-is because of Shukaku." Gaara scowled. "He really delights in causing me pain, and even my seal can't stop him from little things like taking advantage of my weaknesses, whatever they are. If I had stopped him from doing this to my hand, I would've run out of chakra and he would've broken free. That said, I prefer a bout of pain," Gaara gritted his teeth again as waves of pain, much stronger this time, rushed through his arm again, "than a demon raccoon taking over my body. How 'bout you?"

Neji looked skeptical, but he nodded anyways and returned to inspecting Gaara's hand. The Kazekage closed his eyes, fighting back the urge to scream as he heard a distant cackle in the back of his mind. Damn Shukaku.

Gaara had almost drawn blood from biting his lip ruthlessly when he felt a ripple of coolness break through the red hot pain. He opened his eyes to see Neji cradling his hand, and his green eyes widened when he realized the Hyuuga was spreading healing chakra through him, closing his wounds and driving Shukaku back.

When the cuts on his hands had fully disappeared, Neji looked up at Gaara, panting heavily and sweating profusely. "You're right." he admitted. "It's hard going against Shukaku, even when he's bound up in your seal."

Gaara was speechless, looking at his newly healed hand. After a few seconds, he finally stuttered out, "W-When did you learn h-healing?"

Neji shrugged. "It was after you tried to commit suicide a few years ago, I'm sure you remember that. I…I found you there lying in your bathtub, your blood pooling around you, and I panicked. I rushed you to the hospital, but you were dying and I couldn't do anything and I felt so helpless, looking at the medic-nins rushing all over. So afterwards, since I had a lot of spare time, I decided to learn healing, so that…" Neji shrugged again, "Well, I just don't like feeling helpless…"

Gaara saw Neji wasn't going to elaborate any more and retracted his hand slowly, bringing it to his other and folding them in front of him. He fiddled with his fingers, and then started clearing the bloodied bandages from his desk, still looking down.

"Neji, you know…you know I'd never try to commit suicide again, right? I tried it once, and I saw how selfish it was, and I'm never going to try anything of the sort again. So you don't have to worry…"

There was a long silence at this, and Gaara was about to move on to a different topic when Neji replied. "Kazekage-sama…believe me when I say that I was wrong about that matter. You were not being selfish at all, when you tried to end your life. I- Someone should've seen that you were being burdened like you were, back then, and s-someone should have done something. I was wrong…"

Gaara blinked and blinked again, startled by this admission from Neji. But by the time he had come to his rational senses again, he found Neji was starting on his own paperwork. Without talking he went back to his official duties too.

-----

That night, Gaara signed on to Gaia, glad to see LightWithDarkness was back on.

LightWithDarkness said:

_Neji obediently followed the Kazekage down to the onigiri shop, noticing that while most of his villagers smiled and gave him respectful greetings, there were still some villagers that hadn't gotten used to having a supposed 'demon' as their leader. Hypocrites. They were the real demons, while Gaara couldn't help having Shukaku inside him. Of course, Neji had seen this all before in Konoha, with Naruto. Maybe this was why the blonde and Gaara were such good friends – they went through the exact same things on a daily basis. _

_In fact, they seemed to be too good friends. Neji scowled at this topic of thought but allowed it to continue. Naruto was mentioning Gaara a lot these days, especially around Neji. What did the blonde think he was achieving? Yes, Neji respected his Hokage, but sometimes he did wish Naruto would stop mentioning all the topics that he wanted to avoid so much. Ok, fine, the one topic he wanted to avoid. _

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_Gaara walked down the streets of Suna quickly, it was hot and to be out on the street at this time was torture, especially to someone who hadn't grown up here. He looked at Neji out of the corner of his eye, and, just as he expected, the Hyuuga was flushed and squinting at the bright light of the sun. He probably had very sensitive eyes, due to his Byakugan. Gaara hurried on and in no time reached the onigiri shop, going in to the merciful shade. The owners greeted him respectfully and managed to not stare at Neji when he mentioned that from now on they should accept both Sand and Konoha money. They knew that their Kazekage did not do favors often, but they also knew when to have tact. _

_When this little exchange was over and Neji was cheerfully munching on his onigiri (after promising to pay Gaara back but Gaara brushed it off), the two of them turned to go back into the sun. They didn't talk while walking; if you talked you would soon be panting with thirst. And there would be sand in your mouth._

_They got to the doorway of the ambassadors' residences and Gaara stood there, not knowing what to do. _

Gaara decided he was going to be on for a long time tonight (if LightwithDarkness was going to be on too) and took this time to cook a little ramen (after all, it _was_ the easiest thing to make). He sat down with his steaming bowl in front of his computer, refreshing the page and saying "Itakidamasu."

LightWithDarkness said:

_"Kazekage-sama, I assume you have work to attend to now?" Neji mentally winced, that had come out a tad brusquer then he had intended it to. "Or perhaps you would like to sleep?" _

_It wasn't as if he was brushing the redhead off, it was just that the Kazekage was probably too polite to leave his guest and Neji was telling him it was fine. And besides, it was just so awkward here…_

XxDeafening.SilencexX wrote:

_The casual atmosphere of their time together had just been wrecked with that blunt reminder of his position. And wasn't Neji going to call him Gaara now? _

_"Oh, I suppose I should get started on the load of paperwork waiting for me…" Gaara didn't really feel like sleeping now. He was too awake now to get any rest, and it wouldn't do too much harm to stay awake. It wasn't if he was lapsing back into his insomniac practices, after all. He took a step away, but not really wanting to go, especially not on this note, called back, "See you tomorrow, Neji?" _

LightWithDarkness said:

_Oh shoot. Neji had just realized that he had called the redhead before him Kazekage-sama, which he wasn't supposed to do…_

_Could he make up for it? At Gaara's question, he hurriedly answered, "Of course, Gaara." He was rewarded with a small smile before Gaara walked away, his Kazekage robes billowing around him. _

_Neji walked up the stairs to his room, holding his onigiri in one hand as he unlocked his door with the other. It had been an interesting afternoon spent with Gaara. Neji looked forward to spending many more with him in the next few years…_

XxDeafening.SilencexX said:

_Gaara walked back to his office, sitting down behind his desk and staring straight ahead at the doors that led into his office. He felt very sluggish right about now, floating in his little bubble of contentment. _

_**Contentment, really? **_

_A barely noticeable growl made its way up Gaara's throat. _

_'Shut up Shukaku. You can't do anything to undermine my happiness.'_

_An amused chortle echoed through Gaara's mind. **How foolish. Of course I can undermine your happiness. I could make you life a living hell if I chose to. And don't you forget it, little Gaara.**_

_Gaara glared menacingly down at his hands. How he would've liked to just give up all responsibility of Shukaku and unleash him onto the world. _

_**How I would love that too.**_

_But he couldn't. Gaara refused to hurt his village and his loved ones in any way that he could prevent. So the only way to get rid of Shukaku would be to…_

_**You really ready to kill yourself, little Gaara?**_

_Gaara disregarded that question and set his mind onto his paperwork. _


End file.
